final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
