We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
