i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
