i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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