it wasn't lemon gatorade
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
