my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
