I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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