so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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