we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize