My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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