Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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