So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
