I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
