My first STD was from a foam party
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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