And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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