took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
