This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
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