Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Ketchup is God's man juice
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
