my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Randomize
