id be glad to
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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