This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
