Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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