haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
