I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
The ass gains better be worth it
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