When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
