apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize