Will you blow on my dice?
That's intense
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
the condom got lost in my hair
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
