Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
