I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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