New invention idea: vibrating tampons
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
