i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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