Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
