Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
