I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
