you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Sext me about skeletons
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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