feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
