Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
