OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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