i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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