While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
