i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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