Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
