I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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