I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
