The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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