I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize