I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
