george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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