there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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