You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I checked into jail on foursquare
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize