gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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