Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
