This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
