erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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