im six kinds of drunk right now
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
