I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
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