i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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