You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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