Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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