Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
