it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
