dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
