But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
