I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Randomize
