Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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