I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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