One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Pooping to opera.
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